Timing

I've been thinking lately and I can't help but think that the timing of everything that's been going on is significant. For all these things to happen so soon after my live-in, I don't think it's coincidence. I don't necessarily know what the message the Lord is trying to send me is, but I truly believe that there is definitely something He is trying to say. I'm going to Confession tomorrow, which I really really need so I am hoping that will bring me some much needed clarity to everything. I don't expect things to suddenly become completely crystal-clear but I know that it will help me hear the Lord's voice a little clearer.

A Joke

So I can't remember if I posted this before but it's really funny so I'm posting it anyway. 

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were arguing about which order was the greatest. To settle the matter they decided to ask for a sign from God. A piece of paper floated down that said:

My sons,
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters.
Sincerely,
God, O.P. 

 For those who don't know, O.P. stands for Ordo Praedicatorum (Order of Preachers). God is a Dominican! As tempted as I was to change the joke to say O.S.B. but I do like Dominicans so I kept it. I always said if I were to discern active religious life I'd go Dominican. 

On a totally unrelated note, you may notice I've had a redesign. I like to mix things up every now and then anyway and it seems my old font was a bit difficult to read so hopefully the new layout will be better. As always, let me know if there are things you like, don't like, etc. 

New Beginning

So I posted this a few days ago about not really knowing at the moment what my vocation is. In light of that, I've decided perhaps I need a new beginning in all this. Not a wipe-clean kind of new beginning, but a back-to-basics kind of new beginning. I realised I've been trying to skip ahead, and looking too much at the ending and not enough at where I am now and what comes before I get there. I'm trying to refocus on building my relationship with God as I am now. Not as a discerner or as a future religious or whatever, but just as Emily. I need to find that foundation of simply who I am as a person before Him. I can't try and build all those other things without that foundation. And I'm obviously not starting from scratch, but I do need to strip back a lot of what I had started taking for granted. I need to remember that my relationship with Him is not just about my future. It's not just about discerning His will for my life as a whole, but His will for me right now. It's difficult because I am not someone who likes uncertainties. Not knowing my future scares me. I know that trusting in God's plan despite knowing what it might be is something that I know I need to work on.

Miss Conventionality

This afternoon I was having a conversation with an old friend about our plans for after college. She's doing a Masters degree and I'm still in the final year of my undergrad. With my graduation impending, I get this a lot. None of my friends know about my discernment but when she asked me what I wanted to do I told her that I didn't really want a career. She was confused and asked me what I meant. So I told her what I had always wanted for my life: marriage and children. I've told a few people about this before and they've always reacted very positively. I know a few female friends who also feel they would want to be stay-at-home-mothers, at least while their children were young. So this particular friends reaction took me by surprise. I know not everyone wants that kind of a lifestyle and that's perfectly valid. But what annoyed me was that she acted as if the things she wanted for her life were the only things that were valid or worthwhile.

It made me wonder how people are going to react, whether I end up in that married life or in the religious life. Either way, I will have chosen an unconventional and perhaps unpopular path. And that is why I named this post 'Miss Conventionality': because that is something I'm never going to be. And a lot of people are going to react just as my friend did today, and worse. But at the same time I remember something I realised on my live-in: that I can do it. Whatever the judgements that the world may throw at me if I know in my heart that what I am doing is the will of God then I can take it all.

Reconciliation

Schedule for tomorrow: Reconciliation. So I decided to share this extract from an article I'm writing: 

Christ told us “I have not come to call the virtuous, but sinners to repentance.” [Luke 5:32] Repentance and redemption are central to our faith as Catholics. We are sinners, from smallest to the greatest among us. But (contrary to popular opinion) our faith does not condemn us: on the contrary it gives us light and hope. The mercy of God is waiting: we need only repent. God has given us the wonderful Sacrament of Reconciliation: it is not a sacrament of condemnation or judgement but one of love and forgiveness. It is at its very heart a sacrament of great joy because we are cleansed and renewed in God’s grace. 

God does not wish us to be separated from Him, and He has given us this sacrament so that no matter what offence we commit we may always come back into His embrace. Remember the words of Christ: “There will be more rejoicing in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ninety-nine virtuous men who have no need to repentance.” [Luke 15:7] We are those sinners: His apostles, the saints, you and I and all of mankind. We are His precious children and it is His greatest desire that we should find our home in His eternal kingdom. As Catholics we recognise our sins and our weaknesses but we look to God in hope and trust, knowing that He will not forsake us.

Trust

Right now, I honestly couldn't tell you what I feel my vocation is. I'm discerning in a totally different way now. It used to be I had an idea of what the Lord was calling me to and was "testing the water" so to speak. I don't know what it is that's changed, if He's stopped telling me for some reason or if I'm just not listening properly, but I'm having to learn to trust Him in a totally different way. Before I was on a path and trusting that He was leading me. Now I'm wandering through the woods blind and needing to trust that He will lead me to the right path, that He is leading me to the right path.

I've also had to learn a new kind of openness to His will. I feel at this point like the gates have been opened and that He could lead me anywhere. I'm having to learn to accept all those paths as possibilities and be able to say to the Lord, "I'll do whatever Your will asks of me." If He asks any one of those things of me I need to be able to say "Yes, Lord." I'm not sure I'm quite there yet, but it's not something that comes overnight. I'm having to learn to let go of things I never realised I was holding on to. Perhaps the Lord sees my unreadiness and is waiting for me to find the trust and the openness that I need to do His will.

Need

I realised today how much I need God. I am everything that I am only through His mercy and His grace. Sometimes you have to be lost in order to realise that you've had the map in your pocket the whole time. Sometimes we think that we can find the way on our own and we depend on ourselves rather than on the Lord. One of my favourite quotes from Scripture is Obadiah 1:4

"Though you soared like the eagle, though you set your nest among the stars, I would still fling you down again - it is Yahweh who speaks." 

It's a hauntingly beautiful reminder of the power of the Lord and how small we are in comparison. No matter the heights of human greatness or the grandeur of our achievements, they pale in comparison to the power and majesty of the Lord. However great we may think we are, in reality we are nothing. Our very existence is only because He willed it to be so, we were fashioned by His hands.

It is truly a blessing to be able to say that I am a child of God and that I totally, utterly and completely depend on Him.

An Update

So I realise I haven't been blogging much recently, for which I apologise. Whoever says discerning is easy is so very wrong! As some of my more recent posts will tell you, I have been struggling recently. I'm still working through some stuff but I'm feeling a lot calmer and a lot ore like I can handle things which is good.

On a less positive note, an old health problem of mine has cropped up again. It was quite a shock to me because I thought it had settled itself. I'd never gone to the doctor about if before but I've decided now I'm fed up and so I've got an appointment for next week. I'm a little worried because I'm not sure what the doctor will say or be able to do. The difficulty also comes in that it is something that could be a problem for me in terms of discernment. I don't know yet if it would be an complete impediment, but it could potentially cause me significant problems in both the religious life and in marriage. So I'm trying not to think about discernment as such at the moment and focus on seeing what can be done about my health. Once I know that I can think more seriously about how it may impact my vocational discernment. It might not at all but I want to be sure.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Punishment

I have never forgiven myself for my mistakes. I wish more than anything that I could change the things I've done but I can't. I feel tainted, I feel unclean. I'm not that person anymore. I know that. Two years later and I am not that person. But it still haunts me.  I live in constant fear that people will find out and will judge me. More than that, I fear the things that are important to me will be taken from me because once people find out what I've done then that's all they'll see. Because sometimes it's all I see. I feel like I can't be forgiven. The worst part is that I can't even remember why. If I had a reason, a real reason, I could make sense of it. But I don't.

I feel like I'm being punished for my sins.

Update

I haven't posted much lately. I'm still trying to sort through some stuff and I have a wonderful friend who is helping me so I've been trying to take some time to think and untangle the confused, conflicted mess that is my thoughts right now. I'm going on vacation for two weeks tomorrow so obviously I won't be able to post for that time. I wish I'd had time to schedule some stuff for while I'm away like I did when I was on my live-in but things have just been crazy busy at the moment. Hopefully being away will be good for me, and I will be back to posting more regularly when I get back.