I wrote this as a parody of the song "Call Me Maybe". It wasn't my idea, someone made a joke about the idea and I was bored so I decided to write it. A video may follow at some point, I might make one and I know someone else who has already asked me if they can make a video of it as well. So if a video follows I will be sure to post it up as well.
Anyway, enjoy:
In Adoration one day
In the silence I pray
I looked up at the altar
And I heard Him say
You see that Sister right there?
In her habit and veil?
She listened in prayer,
And now I’m calling you.
I want you as mine,
True bread, and the true vine,
For in my path you’ll shine,
Will you come and be my Bride?
Did I just hear that?
No, this is crazy!
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
It's hard to think straight,
It’s all so hazy,
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Did I just hear that?
No, this is crazy!
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Poverty and chastity,
Obedience too,
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
I will listen to your call,
To you I will give my all,
I will make myself small,
Your light will shine in me.
I ask you mother Mary
Please help me, it’s scary
I didn't know I would hear it,
But He’s calling me.
I am the true vine,
I want you as mine,
In my path you’ll shine,
Will you come and be my Bride?
Did I just hear that?
No, this is crazy!
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
It's hard to think straight,
It’s all so hazy,
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Did I just hear that?
No, this is crazy!
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Poverty and chastity,
Obedience too,
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Before you came into my life
I messed up so bad
I messed up so bad
I messed up so, so bad
Before you came into my life
I messed up so bad
And you forgave all
I messed up so, so bad
It's hard to think straight,
It’s all so hazy,
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Did I just hear that?
No, this is crazy!
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Poverty and chastity,
Obedience too,
Could it really be,
He called me, maybe?
Before you came into my life
I messed up so bad
I messed up so bad
I messed up so, so bad
Before you came into my life
I messed up so bad
And you forgave all
He called me, maybe?
Friday, 24 August 2012
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Test?
On Sunday I decided to go Mass at the cathedral in town rather than my parish. Father P knows about my discernment and he hasn't been around the last few times I've been to the cathedral. Finally he was there today so I was able to tell him about my live-in and stuff. Obviously I've written about it here and on my forums and stuff but it was nice to have a "real" person to tell about it. Father was really happy to hear things are going well for me, he knows the community quite well.
I've written before about my problems with dealing with my feelings for a friend of mine. I was dealing a lot better recently. I can't remember who it was but someone suggested to me that I entrust him to the Blessed Virgin and that helped a lot. Being on my live-in helped a lot. It all seemed like it was falling into place. It is falling into place. Hopefully, I will be entering in just over year, assuming things keep going in this direction.
I'm struggling at the moment. I still feel like my vocation is to the cloister. I'm just feeling confused at the moment. I don't know if this is some kind of a test of my resolve. Maybe it is. And I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle but I don't feel like I can right now. My heart feels like it's being torn in two. I want two things that completely oppose each other. I'm scared of entering and discerning that it's not my calling and losing the other. I'm scared of losing everything.
Please keep me in your prayers.
I've written before about my problems with dealing with my feelings for a friend of mine. I was dealing a lot better recently. I can't remember who it was but someone suggested to me that I entrust him to the Blessed Virgin and that helped a lot. Being on my live-in helped a lot. It all seemed like it was falling into place. It is falling into place. Hopefully, I will be entering in just over year, assuming things keep going in this direction.
I'm struggling at the moment. I still feel like my vocation is to the cloister. I'm just feeling confused at the moment. I don't know if this is some kind of a test of my resolve. Maybe it is. And I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle but I don't feel like I can right now. My heart feels like it's being torn in two. I want two things that completely oppose each other. I'm scared of entering and discerning that it's not my calling and losing the other. I'm scared of losing everything.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Suffering
I was watching a video on YouTube of a song I like and some of the photos in the video are of the Crucifixion. I'm guessing they come from a movie but they don't sugar-coat, they really portray the horror of crucifixion. I used to dislike these kinds of images, they made me uncomfortable. I didn't like the bloody reality of it all. I've come to realise that we have to recognise those realities that make us uncomfortable. So often we talk about the sufferings of Christ as if they are stories. I know I've done this. We think about them but we don't let the realities sink in. The realities of the sufferings Christ endured for us are more than we can possibly imagine, but we so often take them for granted. Every Sunday at Mass we proclaim either the Nicene Creed or the Apostles Creed. We don't just proclaim that Christ died. In the Nicene Creed we proclaim He suffered death, in the Apostles Creed we proclaim that He suffered under Pontius Pilate. His death was one of great pain and suffering.
The human body, unsurprisingly, does not like pain. We instinctively take ourselves out of the way of pain - think if you've ever accidentally put your hand under a boiling tap or touched a hot pan. Before you even consciously recognise that you're in pain you're body has reacted and pulled away from the source of the pain. It takes an incredible amount of strength of will to consciously allow yourself to take on as much pain as Christ endured. The reality of the pain He endured is not really a pleasant thought. To think of anyone suffering like that, much less the Son of God Himself, is quite terrible.
Crucifixion was a particularly painful way to die. A person could take hours or sometimes even days to die. Though there were many things that could eventually cause death (blood loss, dehydration, and sepsis to name a few) the most common was probably asphyxia. If you've ever gone swimming you've probably tried to see how long you can hold your breath underwater for. It's uncomfortable, right? Imagine that multiplied and then for hours, plus all the pain from the wounds in His hands and feet, the exhaustion from carrying the cross, the raw wounds from His scouring. It must have been agonising. I can't even begin to fathom that kind of pain and suffering. He could have come down from the cross, He had that power, but He didn't use it. He laid down His life willingly and endured all that pain and suffering.
He endured it out of love. He endured it for you.
The human body, unsurprisingly, does not like pain. We instinctively take ourselves out of the way of pain - think if you've ever accidentally put your hand under a boiling tap or touched a hot pan. Before you even consciously recognise that you're in pain you're body has reacted and pulled away from the source of the pain. It takes an incredible amount of strength of will to consciously allow yourself to take on as much pain as Christ endured. The reality of the pain He endured is not really a pleasant thought. To think of anyone suffering like that, much less the Son of God Himself, is quite terrible.
Crucifixion was a particularly painful way to die. A person could take hours or sometimes even days to die. Though there were many things that could eventually cause death (blood loss, dehydration, and sepsis to name a few) the most common was probably asphyxia. If you've ever gone swimming you've probably tried to see how long you can hold your breath underwater for. It's uncomfortable, right? Imagine that multiplied and then for hours, plus all the pain from the wounds in His hands and feet, the exhaustion from carrying the cross, the raw wounds from His scouring. It must have been agonising. I can't even begin to fathom that kind of pain and suffering. He could have come down from the cross, He had that power, but He didn't use it. He laid down His life willingly and endured all that pain and suffering.
He endured it out of love. He endured it for you.
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Signs
When I was on my-live in I was at one point very confused. I expected some kind of immediate answer. I realise now God was giving me time to experience the life before He gave me an answer. One afternoon during my private prayer I did something I've never done before: I asked God for a sign. I've never been one for signs, I know that God communicates with some people through signs but it's never been that way for me. He speaks to me in a very interior way but at this point I couldn't tell what was my voice and what was His voice. I know we shouldn't ask God for signs, but I remember just praying, "I know I shouldn't ask for a sign and I'm not but if there was ever a good time for a sign, now would be it." It wasn't so much a prayer for a sign but a prayer to hear His voice because I couldn't then. My mind was so muddled and I think God was just waiting for me to be at that stage where I could say, "Okay, I don't know where you're leading me but whatever it is, I'll do it, just tell me what it is." The very next afternoon Mother Mistress caught me after Vespers and suggested we have another chat. The very first thing she asked me was if I'd ever thought about marriage. More than ever in that moment I heard the Lord telling me "no". He didn't send me a sign, He spoke to me just as He always has. He was just waiting for me to really listen. From that moment on I knew He really was leading me to religious life.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Pro-Life
Recently I've been talking to an online acquaintance of mine who is pro-abortion. I've had to take a break before I reply to her last message because what she said upset me so much I knew I would just lash out, and that isn't going to help my cause. Of course the whole idea of abortion upsets me, but this is one thing that hits me pretty deep. So what was it?
She said that babies who would be disabled should be aborted. So many people think this and it breaks my heart every time. I grew up with a girl with Down's Syndrome, for the purposes of this I'll call her Angela (after St. Angela Merici, a patron of the handicapped). Down's Syndrome can have varying degrees of severity and Angela's condition is very severe. She couldn't speak, she needed constant supervision and will never be able to live independently. A lot of people would say her parents should have aborted her. Her parents are devout Catholics and incredibly inspirational people. They cared for her with love and devotion and you could tell that not even for a second would they choose for her to be any other way. In their eyes, she is perfect. Angela loves and is loved. She may not be able to lead the same kind of life as her siblings, but she has always had an amazing life, full of beauty and love and joy. It angers me when people are so ignorant to think that someone like Angela doesn't deserve life, because anyone who has ever met her will tell you how wonderful she is and what a blessed and happy life she leads. I've worked with other disabled people over the years, some less severe than Angela and some more, and not a single one of those people deserves to be told their life is not worth anything because that is just so wrong.
A lot of people have told me it's "kinder" to abort disabled babies than let them live. Yes, I'm sure those babies would be thanking you for wanting to murder them. This thinking is eugenics attempting to masquerade as charity. These people are trying to decide who has the right to life. Where is the line drawn? Who has the right to draw that line? It's fundamentally wrong.
I think I posted this before on my other blog and it's just such a beautiful and inspirational video. The woman doesn't even speak, her face speaks for her. You can see the emotion as she goes through her story. I cried when I watched this, it's so emotional.
Where are we as a society when life itself is no longer respected? When the very sanctity of life is dismissed as outdated, what do we have left? Nothing. Without the sanctity of life, life itself loses meaning. If life is not precious, we have lost something fundamental to ourselves.
I'm sorry if this post is kind of incoherent. I'm not all that clear at the best of times and my mind is just feeling kind of foggy today.
Links
Abortion in Tough Situations
Abortion Question
What about abortion after rape?
Will the Church allow the child to die to save the mother?
Isn't this a just reason for having an abortion?
She said that babies who would be disabled should be aborted. So many people think this and it breaks my heart every time. I grew up with a girl with Down's Syndrome, for the purposes of this I'll call her Angela (after St. Angela Merici, a patron of the handicapped). Down's Syndrome can have varying degrees of severity and Angela's condition is very severe. She couldn't speak, she needed constant supervision and will never be able to live independently. A lot of people would say her parents should have aborted her. Her parents are devout Catholics and incredibly inspirational people. They cared for her with love and devotion and you could tell that not even for a second would they choose for her to be any other way. In their eyes, she is perfect. Angela loves and is loved. She may not be able to lead the same kind of life as her siblings, but she has always had an amazing life, full of beauty and love and joy. It angers me when people are so ignorant to think that someone like Angela doesn't deserve life, because anyone who has ever met her will tell you how wonderful she is and what a blessed and happy life she leads. I've worked with other disabled people over the years, some less severe than Angela and some more, and not a single one of those people deserves to be told their life is not worth anything because that is just so wrong.
A lot of people have told me it's "kinder" to abort disabled babies than let them live. Yes, I'm sure those babies would be thanking you for wanting to murder them. This thinking is eugenics attempting to masquerade as charity. These people are trying to decide who has the right to life. Where is the line drawn? Who has the right to draw that line? It's fundamentally wrong.
Where are we as a society when life itself is no longer respected? When the very sanctity of life is dismissed as outdated, what do we have left? Nothing. Without the sanctity of life, life itself loses meaning. If life is not precious, we have lost something fundamental to ourselves.
I'm sorry if this post is kind of incoherent. I'm not all that clear at the best of times and my mind is just feeling kind of foggy today.
Links
Abortion in Tough Situations
Abortion Question
What about abortion after rape?
Will the Church allow the child to die to save the mother?
Isn't this a just reason for having an abortion?
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Live-In: Part 2
As you may guess from the title, this is the second part of my live-in. My journalling became more sporadic towards the end of my stay as I got into the routine and so obviously had less to say about new things happenings. Most of my journals in this part are very mundane so some days I haven't posted anything from my journal but have just written a little about.
20th July
Today I decided to take my lectio outside since it is a wonderfully sunny day. It seems St Swithun is delivering as promised! I chose mostly to walk as I read, though for a while I did stop at some benches near the gardens but I find I get restless so I walked back around. I passed Sr. MTo and [postulant] doing the same thing and one of the cats came up to me and MM walked past as I was pausing to stroke it.
At Mass I got terrible confused during the Eucharistic prayer, I couldn't understand what Father was saying very well and because it was EP1 there are pages of other stuff in the middle of the prayer and so for the first time I couldn't find me way again so I just listened but I much prefer having the Missal.
There was no lesson, so I had another talk with MM. She asked me a few things about my health and if I'd ever thought about other vocations and made sure I was still feeling happy here. We talked about the next stages of applying and MM told me I had to meet with Mother Abbess at some point but that so far she still thought I was doing very well and couldn't foresee any problems.
22nd July
This morning I went to Vigils so I was up at 4.40 this morning! It seemed terribly early, the sun was still rising. Vigils is quite different from the other offices, and much longer. But I almost missed Prime and Terce! I was reading and I sort of acknowledged the bell but was so absorbed in my reading I forgot what it actually meant. Luckily Sr. MTe came to find me just as I realised my mistake. But I made it eventually if slightly late.
I really liked Vigils. I wanted to go more often that I did, but I knew that even if I was willing I wouldn't be able to cope. Even [postulant] doesn't go every day, they're very good at easing you into it.
I found it rather astonishing I was still very awake after evening recreation as we went to Compline, despite having been up for Vigils. I think being able to have a cup of tea before Vigils really helped.
Since there is no lesson or work on Sundays, I often find myself at something of a lose. But today MM gave me some typing to do from one of MA's conferences and I glued the frame together for the refectory decorations for MA's feast day. My apron is also falling apart a bit so I offered to mend it and MM was very surprised.
23rd July
St. Cecilia's is right on the coast of the island and so from the grounds you can see the beach below, the abbey is on a hill and the beach is below. Apparently there is a cafe or something there and some nights it plays very loud music. When we went for a walk during evening recreation we could hear the music coming from the beach below. It was very strange because reggae music is one of the last things one expects to hear at a monastery! Luckily they stop the music about when we went to bed otherwise it might have been quite annoying, but as it was it was just quite funny.
24th July
Tomorrow after Mass I am meeting with MA!
Luckily, MM only told me about this very late otherwise I might have been panicking. I was quite nervous, because obviously if it went badly it could end my chances there.
25th July
I didn't write anything for this next day, I was using all my spare moments to finish a gift for [postulant]. And of course it had been my meeting with MA so I was still thinking about that.
26th July
MM says that MA is pleased with my visit and wants me to make a second one. At first I was very upset, thinking this meant they thought I wasn't suitable but MM assures me it is very normal and so it was in fact a good sign that they want me to come back! So I was very reassured by that and MM and I were able to talk and I hope I was able to clarify a few things she was concerned about.
I have some weird food issues and I think MM was concerned I wasn't eating healthily. I admit it's something I need to work on but I think I was able to explain to MM that I really had been trying while I was there and that it was something that was improving over time.
And that's where my journal comes to an end. I left a few days later. Leaving was very sad, but all the novitiate and MA came to say goodbye to me at the door which was lovely. I loved my time there, and I left wishing for the day when I can go back through those doors again.
20th July
Today I decided to take my lectio outside since it is a wonderfully sunny day. It seems St Swithun is delivering as promised! I chose mostly to walk as I read, though for a while I did stop at some benches near the gardens but I find I get restless so I walked back around. I passed Sr. MTo and [postulant] doing the same thing and one of the cats came up to me and MM walked past as I was pausing to stroke it.
At Mass I got terrible confused during the Eucharistic prayer, I couldn't understand what Father was saying very well and because it was EP1 there are pages of other stuff in the middle of the prayer and so for the first time I couldn't find me way again so I just listened but I much prefer having the Missal.
There was no lesson, so I had another talk with MM. She asked me a few things about my health and if I'd ever thought about other vocations and made sure I was still feeling happy here. We talked about the next stages of applying and MM told me I had to meet with Mother Abbess at some point but that so far she still thought I was doing very well and couldn't foresee any problems.
22nd July
This morning I went to Vigils so I was up at 4.40 this morning! It seemed terribly early, the sun was still rising. Vigils is quite different from the other offices, and much longer. But I almost missed Prime and Terce! I was reading and I sort of acknowledged the bell but was so absorbed in my reading I forgot what it actually meant. Luckily Sr. MTe came to find me just as I realised my mistake. But I made it eventually if slightly late.
I really liked Vigils. I wanted to go more often that I did, but I knew that even if I was willing I wouldn't be able to cope. Even [postulant] doesn't go every day, they're very good at easing you into it.
I found it rather astonishing I was still very awake after evening recreation as we went to Compline, despite having been up for Vigils. I think being able to have a cup of tea before Vigils really helped.
Since there is no lesson or work on Sundays, I often find myself at something of a lose. But today MM gave me some typing to do from one of MA's conferences and I glued the frame together for the refectory decorations for MA's feast day. My apron is also falling apart a bit so I offered to mend it and MM was very surprised.
23rd July
St. Cecilia's is right on the coast of the island and so from the grounds you can see the beach below, the abbey is on a hill and the beach is below. Apparently there is a cafe or something there and some nights it plays very loud music. When we went for a walk during evening recreation we could hear the music coming from the beach below. It was very strange because reggae music is one of the last things one expects to hear at a monastery! Luckily they stop the music about when we went to bed otherwise it might have been quite annoying, but as it was it was just quite funny.
24th July
Tomorrow after Mass I am meeting with MA!
Luckily, MM only told me about this very late otherwise I might have been panicking. I was quite nervous, because obviously if it went badly it could end my chances there.
25th July
I didn't write anything for this next day, I was using all my spare moments to finish a gift for [postulant]. And of course it had been my meeting with MA so I was still thinking about that.
26th July
MM says that MA is pleased with my visit and wants me to make a second one. At first I was very upset, thinking this meant they thought I wasn't suitable but MM assures me it is very normal and so it was in fact a good sign that they want me to come back! So I was very reassured by that and MM and I were able to talk and I hope I was able to clarify a few things she was concerned about.
I have some weird food issues and I think MM was concerned I wasn't eating healthily. I admit it's something I need to work on but I think I was able to explain to MM that I really had been trying while I was there and that it was something that was improving over time.
And that's where my journal comes to an end. I left a few days later. Leaving was very sad, but all the novitiate and MA came to say goodbye to me at the door which was lovely. I loved my time there, and I left wishing for the day when I can go back through those doors again.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Magazines
Yesterday I went to the grocery store to grab some food. I decided to go to the magazine stand. I don't usually, I have subscriptions but sometimes I like to see what else is available. But I looked at this stand and (not for the first time) I was horrified.
The first thing I noticed: the men's magazines. I mean, really? I can't go to a magazine stand without inadvertently spotting some basically nude woman posing provocatively on the front of these magazines. And all I wanted was a crafting magazine. These magazines are not covered, they're right there in full view. In smaller stores, they can be very near to kids magazines. Any little child can walk up and see. How is it that stores consider it acceptable to have pornography on full view to everyone? It's disgraceful. I mean no wonder our society has absolutely no sexual morals when things like these magazines are allowed to be on full view in an average store. Having these things out on show like that tells people, "You know what, this is okay. We're going to objectify and degrade women, but that's okay. Remember, if you're not having as much sex as possible with as many people as possible then you're just not living." It makes me sick.
The women's magazines aren't much better. Almost all the covers show women with barely more clothing than the men's magazine covers. And then they almost all mention sex at least once on the cover. These references aren't even subtle, they're usually in a very large print and obviously designed to stand out on the cover. These are usually accompanied by reminders that you clearly need to lose weight, and here's how you can do it, and how to dress as 'sexy' as possible once you've achieved that size 0 figure. I've read magazines like this before and the message is the same: "Your worth comes from being super skinny and dressing as provocatively as you can. After all, if men don't look at you and see how hot you are then what's the point? Don't forget you exist for giving men sexual gratification!" And again, how is it acceptable that these blatant sexual references are on parade in front of everyone, where young children can see them? It's disgraceful.
I was talking to one of the very elderly sisters at St. Cecilia's who has been there for over 60 years one recreation and she said to me, "I really don't know much about the world nowadays" and I just replied, "You wouldn't want to." I'm truly sad sometimes for our society. It really makes me long to enter and get away from it all.
The first thing I noticed: the men's magazines. I mean, really? I can't go to a magazine stand without inadvertently spotting some basically nude woman posing provocatively on the front of these magazines. And all I wanted was a crafting magazine. These magazines are not covered, they're right there in full view. In smaller stores, they can be very near to kids magazines. Any little child can walk up and see. How is it that stores consider it acceptable to have pornography on full view to everyone? It's disgraceful. I mean no wonder our society has absolutely no sexual morals when things like these magazines are allowed to be on full view in an average store. Having these things out on show like that tells people, "You know what, this is okay. We're going to objectify and degrade women, but that's okay. Remember, if you're not having as much sex as possible with as many people as possible then you're just not living." It makes me sick.
The women's magazines aren't much better. Almost all the covers show women with barely more clothing than the men's magazine covers. And then they almost all mention sex at least once on the cover. These references aren't even subtle, they're usually in a very large print and obviously designed to stand out on the cover. These are usually accompanied by reminders that you clearly need to lose weight, and here's how you can do it, and how to dress as 'sexy' as possible once you've achieved that size 0 figure. I've read magazines like this before and the message is the same: "Your worth comes from being super skinny and dressing as provocatively as you can. After all, if men don't look at you and see how hot you are then what's the point? Don't forget you exist for giving men sexual gratification!" And again, how is it acceptable that these blatant sexual references are on parade in front of everyone, where young children can see them? It's disgraceful.
I was talking to one of the very elderly sisters at St. Cecilia's who has been there for over 60 years one recreation and she said to me, "I really don't know much about the world nowadays" and I just replied, "You wouldn't want to." I'm truly sad sometimes for our society. It really makes me long to enter and get away from it all.
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Live-In: Part 1
I've been insanely busy since I left St. Cecilia's so I haven't had much time to write fully about my live-in. Luckily, I kept a fairly detailed journal while I was there so I don't have to try and rack my brains to remember everything. I'll post it in two parts, to save from having one ridiculously long post. Some days will have more than others, depending obviously on how much time I had to write that day.
Obviously, I have to be discrete out of respect for the privacy of the community. But if you have any questions about my stay then feel free to ask and I will answer as much as I feel able to. I'll post some sections directly from my journal, those will be in brown. I've shortened names to initials, again for the privacy of the community.
On a completely unrelated note, I've hit 8000 views! Every time I hit another marker I'm just amazed.
Anyway, here is the first half of my live-in!
12th July
I came in yesterday after Mass. Being a feast day it was rather unusual being that there was therefore no work. But it made it easier to just focus on the Office rather then other things as well. Sr MTo was assigned to look after me, and I was surprised that [postulant] has entered already, so it was lovely to meet her.
Postulant and I had spoken via email before she entered. I expected to miss her since her entrance date was supposed to be after my live-in but she ended up entering earlier than that so I got to meet her which was really nice.
Today has been a normal day. I didn't say the early hours of the Office, I got up just before breakfast. I was relieved at Mass that the Missal they use is the same kind as my Sunday Missal, so I understood the basic format, though switching between the gradual and the missal was quite confusing.
St. Cecilia's have Mass in the Ordinary Form in Latin, except for the readings. It's so incredibly beautiful. Also, I learnt there that there's a Eucharistic Prayer 4, which I had never heard of before but thought was incredibly beautiful. It's a pity it's not used more, but it can only be used on ferias because it has a proper preface (I learnt this from Mother Zelatrix). The Missal I have is a fantastic one that has both English and Latin alongside each other, so I was able to follow the Mass fairly easily despite my deficiency in Latin.
I've been learning things mostly by copying Sr. MTo, who is wonderfully patient with me. Some of the habits I'm learning easier than others but there is a lot to pick up on and thankfully everyone is very willing to point me in the right direction. I can roughly find my way around, at least from the novitiate to the choir. I stand next to Sr. MTe at choir. I don't try to sing the offices, I just say them in my head as I try to keep track. So far I've done alright and I seem to find my way when I get lost.
One thing that I realised I had been expecting was an instant answer from God. I wanted to walk in and go "right, this it it" or "nope, I'm outta here." It sounds silly and I realise it is. There is a naivety often in the so called 'instant connection' because one must wonder what that connection is based on. That is not to say all such experiences are invalid, just that one should be cautious. So while I cannot say I have felt any such thing here, I find it worth noting that I also do feel comfortable here. I have not been here nearly long enough to feel at home as such but I feel like I could feel at home here. I suppose on some level though I am being cautious: there is a fear of them telling me 'no'. But as I keep saying in my prayers, let it be done according to His will.
13th July
Yesterday [postulant] had been here for a month. It was very sweet, Sr. MTo and Sr. MTe for very excited and were wishing her a happy monastic birthday. Mother Mistress said the time had flown by, and it seemed like she had been here much longer.
I am having the opportunity to rad the Holy Father's book "Jesus of Nazareth", which I am finding greatly interesting, if challenging in part. I am also reading Dom Gueranger's book on the religious life and have seen more writings oh his in the library I will read if I get time.
One thing I am getting used to is the Great Silence. It is a wonderful kind of silence, the effect is very peaceful. It makes one treasure the time we have to speak freely.
I really learnt to love the silence. Most of the time I'm the sort of person who is only silent when alone or I've gone to church to pray. I actually found the silence much less intimidating that I thought I would. Even when working I learnt to appreciate the work that allowed for silence - some work obviously requires more talking that others. There was probably in some areas more talking because of me, since I needed quite a bit of direction.
14th July
I am very careful not to hope too much of being here again, in case I come to the end of my visit and they do not think I fit in here. But let it be done according to His will. Though I am still guarded despite saying that, I am to speak with MM tomorrow so I shall see what she has to say then.
I worked in the altar-bread department this day. I was only packaging but it was quite incredible to think that these little breads before me would become the Body of Christ! It's just so amazing, it really makes you appreciate what a wonder the Eucharist is.
15th July
Recreation is always such fun, and the sisters often bring with them the interesting things they've been sent. Sr. MTo showed us a lovely postcard from a friend, and yesterday a very funny letter from her granny, which at least partially answered my question as to whether their families called them by their monastic names of not since the letter was addressed to her baptismal name.
One thing I do not feel here is enclosed. I suppose it is difficult to feel enclosed in so much space but even behind the grille when we are in choir does not feel suffocating in the way some might find it. It feels very natural somehow and I expect it would be strange without it.
Since there was no lesson, MM and I went for a walk. She says she has been surprised at how well I am settling here so I hope that is a good sign for the future. So far I am very comfortable here and MM commented that my feelings on the Office were very Benedictine. I discovered that the illumination [belonging to mutual friend] was done by MM! She was quite astounded that I had seen it, but I remember it well from their house.
Explanation: MM and I have some mutual friends - she is friends with an old work colleague of my mothers and I knew the family very well when I was younger. I lost contact with them many years ago so it was lovely to hear how they're all doing. They are a very devout family and I knew them around when I was baptised and preparing for First Communion and they always inspired me.
This afternoon, MM was teaching me and [postulant] calligraphy. I really enjoyed it and apparently have quite the knack for it. So far I've been working on 'c', 'o' and 'd'. I also had a go at writing my name, which turned out okay but [letter] wasn't very good.
16th July
This morning I overslept and missed Lauds. I was still in my nightgown when Sr. MTo knocked on my door, but she assured me everyone does the same thing at least once. I was fairly tired yesterday so obviously I needed the extra little sleep. Hopefully I shall make it to Lauds tomorrow!
This afternoons work was in the altar-bread department, this time I was mixing. It was messy business but I had to mix it in a large vat and test how think it was until it was suitable. Stirring the vat make me feel rather like a witch at her cauldron, since the mixture was bubbling away as it mixed.
It was so awesome to see exactly how altar-breads are made. Plus, I learnt that my parish buys their hosts from St. Cecilia's so that was really cool to learn.
17th July
I managed to wake up in time for Lauds today, thankfully. I must say I was rather embarrassed at missing it yesterday.
One of our bidding prayers at Mass today was for an improvement in the weather. This morning it was so cold that I had a blanket on during Lectio but the Lord has answered out prayers and the day turned out wonderfully.
Weather may not seem like a big thing, but when it was miserable we couldn't have recreation outside. Not that recreation was any less fun when inside but they have such beautiful grounds that one wants to be able to take advantage of that.
19th July
Just as we were starting work (church cleaning with Sr. MTe) MM came and asked if I wanted to see the slideshow on the abbey life. Some of Sr. E's friends were visiting and she was showing it to them and MM thought I might be interested. I had to help her with the computer a bit. Some of the pictures are also on their website so it was very strange seeing them again but knowing who many of the sisters were! It even had Sr. MTe as a postulant.
Sr. MTe had made her first vows just before my visit so it was really sweet to see her as a postulant and know that she's in first vows now.
All the sisters were so nice and kind, and so true to the hospitality of their Order. Even Mother Abbess checked how I was doing when she passed me in the hallway. I didn't get to meet all the sisters but by the end of my stay I knew pretty much all their names even if I hadn't actually spoken to them. The sisters I got to know most were obviously MM, MZ and the novitiate, and those that I worked with.
Obviously, I have to be discrete out of respect for the privacy of the community. But if you have any questions about my stay then feel free to ask and I will answer as much as I feel able to. I'll post some sections directly from my journal, those will be in brown. I've shortened names to initials, again for the privacy of the community.
On a completely unrelated note, I've hit 8000 views! Every time I hit another marker I'm just amazed.
Anyway, here is the first half of my live-in!
12th July
I came in yesterday after Mass. Being a feast day it was rather unusual being that there was therefore no work. But it made it easier to just focus on the Office rather then other things as well. Sr MTo was assigned to look after me, and I was surprised that [postulant] has entered already, so it was lovely to meet her.
Postulant and I had spoken via email before she entered. I expected to miss her since her entrance date was supposed to be after my live-in but she ended up entering earlier than that so I got to meet her which was really nice.
Today has been a normal day. I didn't say the early hours of the Office, I got up just before breakfast. I was relieved at Mass that the Missal they use is the same kind as my Sunday Missal, so I understood the basic format, though switching between the gradual and the missal was quite confusing.
St. Cecilia's have Mass in the Ordinary Form in Latin, except for the readings. It's so incredibly beautiful. Also, I learnt there that there's a Eucharistic Prayer 4, which I had never heard of before but thought was incredibly beautiful. It's a pity it's not used more, but it can only be used on ferias because it has a proper preface (I learnt this from Mother Zelatrix). The Missal I have is a fantastic one that has both English and Latin alongside each other, so I was able to follow the Mass fairly easily despite my deficiency in Latin.
I've been learning things mostly by copying Sr. MTo, who is wonderfully patient with me. Some of the habits I'm learning easier than others but there is a lot to pick up on and thankfully everyone is very willing to point me in the right direction. I can roughly find my way around, at least from the novitiate to the choir. I stand next to Sr. MTe at choir. I don't try to sing the offices, I just say them in my head as I try to keep track. So far I've done alright and I seem to find my way when I get lost.
One thing that I realised I had been expecting was an instant answer from God. I wanted to walk in and go "right, this it it" or "nope, I'm outta here." It sounds silly and I realise it is. There is a naivety often in the so called 'instant connection' because one must wonder what that connection is based on. That is not to say all such experiences are invalid, just that one should be cautious. So while I cannot say I have felt any such thing here, I find it worth noting that I also do feel comfortable here. I have not been here nearly long enough to feel at home as such but I feel like I could feel at home here. I suppose on some level though I am being cautious: there is a fear of them telling me 'no'. But as I keep saying in my prayers, let it be done according to His will.
13th July
Yesterday [postulant] had been here for a month. It was very sweet, Sr. MTo and Sr. MTe for very excited and were wishing her a happy monastic birthday. Mother Mistress said the time had flown by, and it seemed like she had been here much longer.
I am having the opportunity to rad the Holy Father's book "Jesus of Nazareth", which I am finding greatly interesting, if challenging in part. I am also reading Dom Gueranger's book on the religious life and have seen more writings oh his in the library I will read if I get time.
One thing I am getting used to is the Great Silence. It is a wonderful kind of silence, the effect is very peaceful. It makes one treasure the time we have to speak freely.
I really learnt to love the silence. Most of the time I'm the sort of person who is only silent when alone or I've gone to church to pray. I actually found the silence much less intimidating that I thought I would. Even when working I learnt to appreciate the work that allowed for silence - some work obviously requires more talking that others. There was probably in some areas more talking because of me, since I needed quite a bit of direction.
14th July
I am very careful not to hope too much of being here again, in case I come to the end of my visit and they do not think I fit in here. But let it be done according to His will. Though I am still guarded despite saying that, I am to speak with MM tomorrow so I shall see what she has to say then.
I worked in the altar-bread department this day. I was only packaging but it was quite incredible to think that these little breads before me would become the Body of Christ! It's just so amazing, it really makes you appreciate what a wonder the Eucharist is.
15th July
Recreation is always such fun, and the sisters often bring with them the interesting things they've been sent. Sr. MTo showed us a lovely postcard from a friend, and yesterday a very funny letter from her granny, which at least partially answered my question as to whether their families called them by their monastic names of not since the letter was addressed to her baptismal name.
One thing I do not feel here is enclosed. I suppose it is difficult to feel enclosed in so much space but even behind the grille when we are in choir does not feel suffocating in the way some might find it. It feels very natural somehow and I expect it would be strange without it.
Since there was no lesson, MM and I went for a walk. She says she has been surprised at how well I am settling here so I hope that is a good sign for the future. So far I am very comfortable here and MM commented that my feelings on the Office were very Benedictine. I discovered that the illumination [belonging to mutual friend] was done by MM! She was quite astounded that I had seen it, but I remember it well from their house.
Explanation: MM and I have some mutual friends - she is friends with an old work colleague of my mothers and I knew the family very well when I was younger. I lost contact with them many years ago so it was lovely to hear how they're all doing. They are a very devout family and I knew them around when I was baptised and preparing for First Communion and they always inspired me.
This afternoon, MM was teaching me and [postulant] calligraphy. I really enjoyed it and apparently have quite the knack for it. So far I've been working on 'c', 'o' and 'd'. I also had a go at writing my name, which turned out okay but [letter] wasn't very good.
16th July
This morning I overslept and missed Lauds. I was still in my nightgown when Sr. MTo knocked on my door, but she assured me everyone does the same thing at least once. I was fairly tired yesterday so obviously I needed the extra little sleep. Hopefully I shall make it to Lauds tomorrow!
This afternoons work was in the altar-bread department, this time I was mixing. It was messy business but I had to mix it in a large vat and test how think it was until it was suitable. Stirring the vat make me feel rather like a witch at her cauldron, since the mixture was bubbling away as it mixed.
It was so awesome to see exactly how altar-breads are made. Plus, I learnt that my parish buys their hosts from St. Cecilia's so that was really cool to learn.
17th July
I managed to wake up in time for Lauds today, thankfully. I must say I was rather embarrassed at missing it yesterday.
One of our bidding prayers at Mass today was for an improvement in the weather. This morning it was so cold that I had a blanket on during Lectio but the Lord has answered out prayers and the day turned out wonderfully.
Weather may not seem like a big thing, but when it was miserable we couldn't have recreation outside. Not that recreation was any less fun when inside but they have such beautiful grounds that one wants to be able to take advantage of that.
19th July
Just as we were starting work (church cleaning with Sr. MTe) MM came and asked if I wanted to see the slideshow on the abbey life. Some of Sr. E's friends were visiting and she was showing it to them and MM thought I might be interested. I had to help her with the computer a bit. Some of the pictures are also on their website so it was very strange seeing them again but knowing who many of the sisters were! It even had Sr. MTe as a postulant.
Sr. MTe had made her first vows just before my visit so it was really sweet to see her as a postulant and know that she's in first vows now.
All the sisters were so nice and kind, and so true to the hospitality of their Order. Even Mother Abbess checked how I was doing when she passed me in the hallway. I didn't get to meet all the sisters but by the end of my stay I knew pretty much all their names even if I hadn't actually spoken to them. The sisters I got to know most were obviously MM, MZ and the novitiate, and those that I worked with.
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