An Update

So I realise I haven't been blogging much recently, for which I apologise. Whoever says discerning is easy is so very wrong! As some of my more recent posts will tell you, I have been struggling recently. I'm still working through some stuff but I'm feeling a lot calmer and a lot ore like I can handle things which is good.

On a less positive note, an old health problem of mine has cropped up again. It was quite a shock to me because I thought it had settled itself. I'd never gone to the doctor about if before but I've decided now I'm fed up and so I've got an appointment for next week. I'm a little worried because I'm not sure what the doctor will say or be able to do. The difficulty also comes in that it is something that could be a problem for me in terms of discernment. I don't know yet if it would be an complete impediment, but it could potentially cause me significant problems in both the religious life and in marriage. So I'm trying not to think about discernment as such at the moment and focus on seeing what can be done about my health. Once I know that I can think more seriously about how it may impact my vocational discernment. It might not at all but I want to be sure.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Punishment

I have never forgiven myself for my mistakes. I wish more than anything that I could change the things I've done but I can't. I feel tainted, I feel unclean. I'm not that person anymore. I know that. Two years later and I am not that person. But it still haunts me.  I live in constant fear that people will find out and will judge me. More than that, I fear the things that are important to me will be taken from me because once people find out what I've done then that's all they'll see. Because sometimes it's all I see. I feel like I can't be forgiven. The worst part is that I can't even remember why. If I had a reason, a real reason, I could make sense of it. But I don't.

I feel like I'm being punished for my sins.

Update

I haven't posted much lately. I'm still trying to sort through some stuff and I have a wonderful friend who is helping me so I've been trying to take some time to think and untangle the confused, conflicted mess that is my thoughts right now. I'm going on vacation for two weeks tomorrow so obviously I won't be able to post for that time. I wish I'd had time to schedule some stuff for while I'm away like I did when I was on my live-in but things have just been crazy busy at the moment. Hopefully being away will be good for me, and I will be back to posting more regularly when I get back.