I have never forgiven myself for my mistakes. I wish more than anything that I could change the things I've done but I can't. I feel tainted, I feel unclean. I'm not that person anymore. I know that. Two years later and I am not that person. But it still haunts me. I live in constant fear that people will find out and will judge me. More than that, I fear the things that are important to me will be taken from me because once people find out what I've done then that's all they'll see. Because sometimes it's all I see. I feel like I can't be forgiven. The worst part is that I can't even remember why. If I had a reason, a real reason, I could make sense of it. But I don't.
I feel like I'm being punished for my sins.
(Just as to who I actually am, I'm on Phatmass with the same name.) I'll pray for you. :nun1: (The nun kneeling sending out a heart. (I really like that one....))
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I put a link to your blog on mine. (I mostly set it up when I did so that I would have a running list of blogs I follow and when they were updated and I would also be able to find out how blogs work. I only made it visible to the world recently.)
Oh that's your blog! I always wondered who it was, since I got traffic from your blog but couldn't see the actual blog. I'll add you to my discerners links. God Bless.
DeleteHey Emily
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling you talking about and its a real burden to carry along.
Dear Emily,
ReplyDeleteI have been lurking on phatmass for a while, so I know your story a bit. (don't have an account...yet;) ) It is hard sometimes to be confronted with our stupid mistakes and stuff we did in the past. It might be usefull to realise that Jesus loves you no matter what. I didn't know if you have brought this up with your spiritual director and/or your confessor. It really helped me, 'cause afterwards I could tell myself: Jesus has forgiven me...so it's ok...
I will pray for you as you continue on your journey!
God Bless
please know that your story has inspired me so much
ReplyDeletePax Christi
I have been in situations where old friends and acquaintances brought up the bad old days and talked about things I'd rather forget. I felt so ashamed. Some accusingly said that I was different and asked what was so wrong about things we did back then. I simply replied that I changed and that I see things differently now and that I have regrets. Some people accept this as an explanation, while others don't.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience the religious are not the judgemental types, they have seen and heard it all. They know better than to judge one's past. (The secular world is another story: all talk about tolerance and freedom but it is all so shallow.) Don't fear that your past can ruin your future when it comes to your vocation. This fear is not from God and he is certainly not punishing you.