I haven't written anything in a while. I guess when I'm home it's a lot harder, I don't have that time to myself the way I do when I'm away. Every time I just want to be by myself in my room I'm told off for being anti-social or it's all "what are you hiding?" The answer to the latter would be well, this blog and my forums. So anyway that's why I haven't written in a while. Another reason is that I like to write when I'm happy, not so much when I'm sad. Recently I've been sad, hence the lack of writing.
My mother is still upset. It got to the stage where I just got so upset I told her I wouldn't do it. I just couldn't take it any more, I've had the worst term ever and with all of that still going on I just snapped. So now I'm kind of at this crossroads. I want to continue, the calling is still there in my soul. I crave the life still. But can I really cause my family this much pain? If that's just one reaction and I can't cope with that, how on earth am I supposed to cope with everyone's reactions? It just seems all too much.
I haven't heard back from Tyburn yet or contacted the other communities. I want to start the visiting and I feel like that will really tell me if this is my calling but now I have to do it all in secret and in hiding. That is very frustrating. I'm almost wondering now if it's all worth it, if there's a point in even trying.
I might make an appointment with one of my parish priests when I get back. He's also a convert and also experienced trouble with his close relatives when discerning the priesthood (we had a little chat after Mass one day) so he should be able to sympathise with my struggles.
Please keep me in yours prayers. I'm feeling a little desolate at the moment.
Common sense and cheerfulness are the way forward; all drama, no matter how seemingly trifling, to be allowed! Watch Pride and Prejudice, read something wholesomely pious and inspiring, then write a letter saying "hi, I think I might want to be a nun, and there is something about your community I like. Can we talk?". Then drink a beer and go to bed.
ReplyDeleteThe only good sadness is contrition for our sins. The rest is of the devil (though obviously you can be sad cause people have died and so on).
:)
You are going to feel quite alone and desolate when you are spending the rest of your life in a convent away from most of society. You really need to reconsider this life of isolation from friends, family, and joy that you are setting yourself up for. You are going to miss most of life's best moments, and all for nothing.
ReplyDeleteThere are always down moments in life, whatever you want to do with it. This was one of mine. Feeling down when your family are against you is natural. But I know that the good will always be greater than the bad and there is always something of value to be found even in suffering.
ReplyDeleteIf I enter, my sisters will be my friends and my family. My life and my work and most importantly my God will be my joy. I may enter, I may not. I am still in early days and I may later realise God is calling me to something else. You are still able to have contact with friends and family in the outside world, so my family will be able to visit. It's the same as if I chose to move far away, we wouldn't see each other physically often but that does not mean contact is not there.
There are no universal 'best moments' in life. We each find our own unique joy when we find what we are called to do in life. If I am called for me those will be my entrance, receiving the habit, taking my vows and living that life. The way I see it, every day would be a best moment because I would be serving God in the way He calls me to live. And that will be true for whatever path my life takes, whether that is religious life or marriage or remaining single.
You also seem to have some very negative misconceptions about religious life. I encourage you to visit one of the websites of the orders I have on the sidebar. These women live lives filled with great joy and love and purpose. Just because it is not conventional does not mean it is not worthy.
I'm saying a prayer for you. I too am discerning a religious vocation, although I haven't told anyone (almost). I'm just going through RCIA right now, so its a bit early to tell my family, but I'm just telling you that I support your decision, whatever it is, 100%. Don't get too discouraged by your family. If religous life is what God wants for you, then it will bring you much joy. Don't worry, it will work out! God has a plan for your life!!
ReplyDeleteWith love in Christ,
Sarah
Thank you so much Sarah. I will keep your journey in my prayers too.
ReplyDelete