I've had one of those weekends that was just emotionally draining. I went to visit my mother and my sister was visiting as well. It was a family friend's birthday so we went out to lunch to celebrate, which is why me and my sister were visiting in the first place. I got there on Friday afternoon and left Sunday afternoon so it's not even like I was there for a long time.
I love my family, I do. But sometimes being there is exhausting. I think my blood pressure shoots up the second I step into my mother's house. I feel like I'm under constant pressure, I feel constantly stressed and on edge. I knew when I left St. Cecilia's that things weren't going to be easy with them. And that was when I was totally sure of my vocation! I can't even begin to talk about it with them because they couldn't understand when I was sure, and they'd just take my confusion as a sign that I'm not going to enter.
Despite all the confusion I have this bizarre sense that I have to go back to St. Cecilia's. I don't know why I feel like that. I don't know whether that's from God or if it's just me but it's the only sure thing I have right now. I think I said the same thing before, and possibly that says more about things than I'm seeing right now. But the thought of not going back feels wrong. I think about going back and deciding that it's not for me and that feels wrong. Going back and deciding to enter seems right. I couldn't even begin to describe why, or how I feel that, or what that even means.
I'm going to send an email to Mother Mistress soon, letting her know how I'm doing and so on. I haven't contacted her since I left in July so I really should! The other thing I've been thinking is that perhaps I need someone to talk to - an non-internet kind of someone. There's something on the vocations website for my diocese (I know the Consecrated Life section almost by heart now) so I may have to bite the bullet and ring/email Father.
Yes! Get yourself a spiritual director--I just did and it definitely helps if you're second guessing yourself. I had to go through two people before I found my spiritual director though (because the others weren't very good at asking me questions). Make sure it's someone you feel comfortable with. It doesn't need to be a priest if you don't want. Mine's a deacon. There's also trained lay people who are spiritual directors! They won't tell you what to do, but they can tell you what your next steps should be and assure you that you're doing everything you should. If you do end up picking a priest to be your spiritual director, they usually double as your confessor.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I had thought about it before but always been too shy to actually do anything about it. But now I think I definitely need to do something about it!
DeleteGod Bless
Emily
I was just reading the entry thinking "I wonder has she got a Spiritual Director?" - but Kathryn has beaten me to it! Everything she says, plus, a Spiritual Director can also be a Sister or even a Nun - a friend of mine's SD is a Benedictine Mother Superior.
ReplyDeleteA SD will journey with you, and help you discern, and reflect back to you what it is you may be saying and feeling, but not realising, if that makes sense?
Blessings to you, Danielle
It makes perfect sense, which is why I'm looking for someone! I will ring Father and hopefully he will be able to point me in the right direction.
DeleteGod Bless
Emily