Tired

For me, my faith has always filled a hole I felt in my life without it. The times I strayed I always felt that emptiness and that loss and only my faith could fill it. As I've discerned, I feel like religious life fills another emptiness.

I think of people I know and they want big houses, money, power, sex. There was a time when I wanted all those things because I thought that was what was expected and that was what would bring me joy and fulfilment. But I've realised how empty those things are and I simply don't desire them any more. What I want is a life of service to God. I want my entire life to be His, I want my life to a beacon of Christ's light to the world. More than anything I want to do the will of God. I cannot see that life for myself in the world. I feel so sure that God's will is for me to become a nun and I feel this impossible longing to follow that. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before, it comes from somewhere so deep inside my soul. I'm only 20 but I've become tired of the world I live in. Perhaps it's because I'm young but I doubt it changes with age. I have no interest in the frivolity of gossip or partying and I don't care for the shallow and trivial pursuits others seem to find so gripping. I can't see joy of fulfilment in life as would lead it in this world.

I need more time to discern, I think time is important to determine a true vocation, but I feel so strongly that I am called to religious life. It really is something that comes from God, not from within me.